reflecting on litha

Somewhere along the way, I became attached to Litha season (the peak of summer) as a self-identifier. For the longest time, I proclaimed myself a lover of winter, but in the aftermath of a particularly colorful ghost story, I decided I needed something new. Names are important, you know. I’ll always be a winter-loving girl—it’s my birth season and all. But in the midst of this era of passive interest in a fresh identity, I ran across “Litha.” I was drawn to it because of its resemblance to my birth name, and despite some hesitation about it meaning the polar opposite of winter, I changed my name on all platforms. Looking back, that shift from winter to summer mirrored a significant shift in my life.

Now that I’ve given you an introduction to my relationship with the name, let’s pivot to an almost unrelated topic and reflect on Litha 2025. The season ended about a month ago. We’re approaching a year since I established this journal, and I really haven’t shared as much on here as I’d planned. I could’ve predicted that from the start, and today I decided to share my reflection on this in the form of a reflection on this past summer. The reason I could’ve predicted it—besides being painfully self-aware—is because this website, and Lith, is the tangible embodiment of my attempt to realize my dreams, but my dreams are vague and hazy. My partner was teaching me about neural networks last night, and apparently, if I were a neural network, I’d be akin to a recurrent (auto-regressive) one: thinking holistically, acting locally. Lol, what does that mean, you ask? It essentially means that I live my life day by day, and I will only move forward if I maintain a holistic perspective: reflection-based growth. Lith is the material form of that holistic approach. It’s my attempt at keeping myself from walking in circles and experiencing the same day over and over again. I’m very content with hazy dreams, as long as I know I’ll get there when the time is right. I’m happy to put my trust in fate. But what is that quote on my “being” page? “Wisdom reveals her fairies to the worthy explorer.” I wrote that to acknowledge that we have to be worthy to meet our desired fate or our request to the universe for wisdom and direction. When I created this website, I didn’t know what that worthiness or effort looked like. So I thought… in the meantime, all I have to put out is my words. So I published a journal. But I’m not a journaler—I’ve never kept one, I don’t like writing, and my soul is a student of whims, not consistency. So yes, it was predictable that I wouldn’t post here often.

But I haven’t been doing nothing. My most recent post was an update on life after breaking my hip—an energetic declaration that I was going to become an expert latte artist and get really good at sketching cats. That’s very me: to get ambitious on caffeine and declare a bunch of random goals that I won’t end up following through with. Well, here’s a fresh update: instead of drawing cats, I got strong enough to walk again, then kept going. I chose yoga as the foundation of my life and found delight in pilates. I became a certified mat pilates instructor. I did hone my *cappuccino skills, although I’m still on shaky terms with my steam wand. Finally, I feel more confident and ready to acknowledge a less hazy version of my end goal for Lith than I did last November. And that’s probably the most difficult part. And honestly, finding that confidence is probably the hardest part of realizing any dream.

I know, I know—that’s a reflection on the whole year, not just the summer season. Well, you’re reading the journal of a child of chaos, so it’s all in flow.

In the background: Whim - Hayley Williams (Song)